amalia and me at the river

celebrating day of the dead in todos santos
todos santos drunken horce race

my good friend juanita giving a charla

preparing lunch with the ladies

just a quick note...

at a time when international diplomacy seems more important than ever, peace corps is facing cuts. although with a faltering economy it is understandable that everyone needs to start tightening their belts, peace corps is not where the US government should be cutting back.

read this...

"Congress loves the Peace Corps . . . and in most cases accommodations are made to give it a little bit more," said Maureen Carroll, who went to the Philippines in the first wave of volunteers in 1961 and still helps with training. "But if they think it is a good thing or a nice thing, it seems they don't think about it enough to double or triple its funding. There are a lot of competing forces."
(quoted from LA Times article below)

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-peacecorps14-2008sep14,0,3857618.story?page=1

President elect Barack Obama has stated that he wants to double the size of the Peace Corps by the year 2011, the organization's 50th Anniversary. Please visit the below website and sign a petition to get "More Peace Corps".

http://www.morepeacecorps.org

...there seems to have recently been many areas where the US government has gone wrong, but through my own experiences as a volunteer i have come to believe peace corps is something they've actually done right.

write to your senator and let them know what you think.

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

afternoon with the ladies of taltimiche

going home again...

last month i loaded my backpack with a bathing suit and a couple pair of clean underwear heading back to the ¨home¨I left almost exactly one year ago.

volunteers returning stateside during their service seem to have mixed experiences. some, especially those that go back during the holiday onslaught, become woozey and a bit overwhelmed by the pressing weight of reimmersion in the consumer culture they (happily...) left behind. others delve giddily into the so-called luxuries they previously took for granted: hot showers and cold beverages.

i thankfully felt a healthy balance of each.

i got off the plane in fort lauderdale ready to make my connection and was immediately struck by how enormous people were. they were tall and just massive. it was strange having left a town where the majority of the population suffers from chronic malnutrition to a nation of Goliaths. i am by no means a petite woman standing at a seemingly towering 5 feet 8 1/2 inches here in guatemala. upon arrival i felt transformed into a liliputian bouncing down the hall like an in the flesh version of pong.

passing through customs did little to assuage my nerves.

HAVE YOUR PASSPORTS OUT AND READY PEOPLE!!! why the hell were they screaming at me? i got off the plane and all the sudden was being barked at in english.

i´ve never seen anyone more misserable in their work environment than the woman working the xray machine in fort lauderdale airport.i quietly shuffled through the line wondering silently to myself if it wasn´t to late to turn back. i got to the passport check and the man behind the counter looked me up and down quizically. he questioned how it was possible to have left the country for a year and only be returning with a small backpack. i explained i was in the peace corps. he looked at my bleary eyes, worn out hikers, and patched jeans and seemed convinced....

yup, definetely peace corps.

i made a run to the ladies room, got in a stall, and just sat there.

i felt like a lost kid in a supermarket searching around a sea of legs wondering where my mama went. i sat on a toilet with my head in my hands feeling sorry for myself. i wanted to go home. i thought back to my typical morning commute through the mountains of guatemala looking down on silent clouds floating below my feet. i listened to the conversation of women carefully applying their daily war paint in the mirror outside and began to wonder if this was still my world.

after a few more minutes of wallowing with little other alternative i decided to face the crowds.

i can't say that my reaction was surprising. even prior to my departure to peace corps i had been trying to embrace a more simplified pace of life. every time i turned on the tv i felt bored and even repulsed. if media is a mirror to culture then we should be embarrassed as to what our reflection reveals about our own displaced values. this is not to say i am by any means a moral purist. i drink modestly, smoke occasionally, swear regularly and with ease, and believe in freedom of speech despite what (some) conservatives swear is derailing so called "patriotism" and "traditional values". still, when what captures our imagination are dumb-downed reality shows and 16 year olds that place little value on anything apart from possessions, it makes one wonder, what are we choosing to worship?

philosopher of religiosity paul tillich once made us consider, what are our ultimate concerns? it may be time to revisit this culturally and societally defining question. we are loathed on the international stage and fighting to maintain some crumb of credibility in the diplomatic realm. predictably, cnn polls reveal a country divided geographically with the red states settling in a neat pile at the bottom and center of the map, and the blue states slowly seeping in along the northern and coastal edges.

there seems to be widespread panic that the united states is flailing. that we may not be able to maintain our vigilent watch as the leader of the free world. and why should this cause such an inflated inferiority complex? so what if we are number two or even number three? yes, it may mean that we have to take public transportation, and limit the daily latte consumption. but don´t worry. you´ll be fine. the united states has the infrastructure, educational base, and technological capabilities to withstand a financial meltdown.

we will not end up suffering the financial and human hardships that guatemala struggles with every day.

the united states has been on a material pandemic binge in recent years and it is only natural that there would be a resulting reverse effect. we treated clothes not as something to uphold modesty and warmth, but rather as a disposable razor; used a few times and then thrown out when the most recent issue of cosmo informs us that it has been relegated to the ¨don´t¨list. we sat our children in front of television sets for an average of four hours a day and then wondered as their attention spans were widdled down to the length of the typical 30 second commercial spot. we medicated our children with ritalin and ourselves with prozac transforming the word ¨stress¨from a noun into a verb. we bought every fast food gimic including scantily clad pop goddesses and suffered from diabetes and heart disease as a result. and so hear we stand, the so-called leaders of the developed world, bloated from a solid 20 years of excess.

as sarah palin strides onto the political stage in her three inch heels and plastered smile expousing values of "small town america", i wonder does that america exist any longer? she is appealing to a nation nostalgic for a time when things were supposedly simpler. it is an understandable yearning as the United States (and global) economy faces a heady and uncertain future. we want something as comforting as grandma's apple pie and palin's "gee whiz" and "gosh darn't" wholesomeness seems to many an appropriate dose of old fashioned medicine.

still, i doubt as to whether the nation palin speaks about actually can still be found. as her political rallies are lined with (lets face it) a sea of white women proudly sporting american flag paraphenalia it makes me wonder if these supporters are truly listening to the v.p. candidate´s words. sure, she can deliver a heck of a prepared speech complete with appropriate winks and "you betchas", but do the views she relays accurately reflect the world we currently live in or even aspire to live in? her candor, outside of face to face interviews where (gasp!) she is made to think on her own, is said to appeal to the "everyday six-pack joe" and "hockey mom". But truth be told, how many of us currently truly fit into those stereotypes?

women are not just hockey moms and thank god for that.

recently in a phone conversation my father told me of a sign in a neighbor's yard proudly declaring "WOMEN FOR PALIN!" accompanied by a hot pink high heel. i greatly admire the strong work ethic of both governor palin, senator hillary clinton, and other women that choose to enter the political realm. that is why they should be touted as role models for young women; because of their intelligence and conviction. not because of their oh-so fahionable glasses, or the amount of leg they choose to bare (or not bare) at political conventions.

when did the high heel become the symbol for women's lib??

in the year 2007 it is disappointing to see how far women still have to go in order to achieve gender equity. it is even more disappointing to see many women themselves buying into the shallow images being distributed by the republican campaign. as much as i am happy to see a woman standing at the forefront of politics, her vagina is never going to be the reason why i choose to vote for her.i felt at times what could best be described as pitty for senator clinton as she made a tough race for the democratic candidacy. she is what i see as a fiercely intelligent politician well-versed in the pitfalls and possibilities that arise upon murky capitol hill. she has stood firm in her support of reproductive rights for women including to the controversial morning after pill. yet, as a candidate she was constantly being told to "soften" her image. it was believed that the public just couldn't handle a tough woman. so a political candidate in the running for what is arguably the most powerful job in the world was reduced to doing fashion critique for glamour magazine.

as tina fey quipped that "bitch is the new black", on SNL i couldn't help but notice that the immediate parallel being drawn between women in politics was to fashion.

all candidates, no matter what their sex, are in some ways obligated to do the talk show circuits discussing their leisure activities with Regis and making fun of themselves on SNL, and it is important part to getting to know a candidate. still, there seems to be added pressure for female politicians to not come off as too "hard". they are encouraged to relay their maternal instincts to audiences basking in the light of little junior's successes on the baseball field or jane's success in the school geography bee .although i think parenting skills may be in some way a testament to a candidate's character, what does it have to do with solving the current economic crisis and how as president they would handle a war spiraled out of control in the middle east?

as women, we have fought long and hard to be able to have jurisdiction over our own bodies, and palin believes that, even in the case of rape, a woman should be denied her right to choice. our nation has made great stride in recent years in granting individual freedoms and not having government determine whom we choose to love (at least in some states), and what god we worship. palin represents a regression from all that progress we made.

there is a natural instinct to backpeddle when things go awry as they appear to be doing in the United States. as senator obama's campaign pronounces the need for "CHANGE", many citizens feel as though things are just changing a little too fast for their liking.

still, it is important that we heed the call for forward progress. as much as many would love to revert back to the pre-JFK provinciality of the 1950's, that time has passed. trying to mimick it would be in many ways nothing short of dangerous. time to move on.

it has been strange living in another country as the presidential campaigns unfold back in the states. it has also been scary. do i want to return to a country run by a president that sees a world divided and shirks off diplomacy as pandering to terrorists?

it remains an open ended question until we are made to answer and define ourselves in november.




after a few more hours en rounte i made it safely home. i lay on my bed in the same room i grew up in and stared up at my ceiling still decorated by glow in the dark stickers mimicking constellations.

despite a bit of a trying start i ended up having a WONDERFUL time in rhode island. i am blessed with an amazing family and friends. i am a beach soul through and through and miss it terribly living in the western highlands of Guatemala. although it was nice having good beer and ben and jerry´s ice cream, it is the people and the ocean i truly miss.

i parked myself on the sand for two weeks straight and soaked in as much of that salty air as i could. i was truly on vacation. i got to do all of those things that made my hometown such a special place to me...danced to some quality reggae at the mist with my love, got a vanilla chai at crazy burger, wore (scandolously) short skirts and bikinis without fear of being culturally inappropriate, bought the new york times on sunday morning, sat on grandma peg´s front porch, did a beautifully classic vermont hike at mount hunger, watched my cousins give an irish step dancing performance, and got rid of my farmers tan.

i understand the comforts of simplicity and why people are drawn to them. it was nice coming home and not thinking of anything beyond the food on my plate and people near to me. what we face now are questions of a more profound matter beyond this immediate material world. are the values of equality, and freedom we decree in national documents really what we are ready to put into action? i eventually had to return from days languished on the beach absorbed in books to the outside world too easily escaped.

it is of necessity to see those things which are beautiful in our everyday lives while at the same time recognizing that our everyday labours are a realization of our faith. our fear of inaddequacy, financial ruin, and failure will only be salvaged if we can see with clear eyes what is truly right in front of us this moment, and how our doings are in truth, an act of worship.

gender blender

preparing veggies...

the hike leading up to volcanoe tajamulco, highest point in central america...
resting post hike of volcanoe chicabal...

jose sucio....

i am sitting on just over a half a year of service as a volunteer and finally (finally!) am beginning to feel as though i have a clue what i'm doing... it's been at least a month since i've gotten lost and ended up in a cornfield someplace, a weighty accomplishment in my eyes.

in the last couple of months i have had several groups ask about how to prepare different foods. it's great to have a family garden, but if you have no idea what to do with a carrot, what good are all those lovely vitamins sitting underground? i myself am not much of a cook, but more of an experimenter as most of my family can attest to. they have witnessed me attempt and destroy many well intentioned culinary preparations. still, i'm learning here that a little knowledge can go long way.

ever heard of a "dirty jose", a jose sucio. yeah, that's right. Sloppey joes guatemala style. one thing that the diet here tends to lack is protein. although people get more than their fair share of beans, buying meat is costly and unrealistic for the majority of families here. especially with 11 children. what is fairly accessible and reasonable priced at about 26 cents a pound is a product called "protemas". this flavorless colorless meat subsitute is a vegetarian peace corps volunteer's dream come true and also when cooked with the right proportion of ingredients and veggies decently appetizing to most chapines (i.e. guatemalans) i've met. "jose sucios" have been given the seal of approval by most of the women's groups i work with.

along with the preparation of different foods i have been trying to teach why exactly it is important to consume them. why make an atol with fruit (fruit tea) as opposed to just downing a bottle of refreshing tiky piña (pineapple soda)? good question. herein lies the challenge: to convince people that the more healthy alternative is possibly worth more than that initial sugar energy burst that comes from a cola. people here are accustomed to certain foods, just as in the states. if any population should know how difficult it is to give up certain eating compulsions/addictions it ought to be those from the U.S., home of every ridiculous diet fad you care to name. it is if anything, a slow process trying to convince someone's tastebuds to take a risk and try something new. without doubt mine have been taken on more than a few exciting rides since living in guatemala and i, thankfully and happily, haven't regretted one venture yet.

grandma pat´s apple pie with moon and stars motife... sometimes i get bored.

treating ourselves to a fancy dinner in santa craz el lago

we like hats.

central park, antigua

Patrick comes to Guatemala...

this last month i got to have my first visitor to my site. my boyfriend, patrick, made the long trek from little rhodie to hang out in guatemala for a couple of weeks. so much fun to see him after over half a year! it was also just nice to be with someone who knows me and whom i'm so comfortable with.

volunteers often talk about the duality of personality that often comes with living in a community so culturally far removed from the states. although in time i have begun to feel more comfortable in my town, cultural taboos sometimes prevent me from just being the me i'm used to back home - to let my hair down so to speak. part of this is just part of being culturally sensitive, but having to constantly consider the appropriateness of words and actions in a new context can sometimes be plain exghausing.

this is not to say there is nothing to talk about. people like to joke around and talk about every day things like anywhere in the world. the human struggle that comes from personal relationships is pretty much the same here as back home.

also, sometimes the struggles here have this feeling of legitemacy that doesn't really seem to transfer to the united states: "Estamos luchando..." - we are fighting. we are struggling just to make it. back home supposed stresses seem imagined and insignificant in comparison... deciding to paint the living room egg shell or off white... an expensive cell phone bill.... not being able to afford the latest clothes/technical gadget. compared to.... my baby just died of malnutrition. still, i understand that all stress is relative to the reality we face on a daily basis. we all face hardships in that buddhist-life-is-suffering kinda way, right?

so back to Patrick. i was very excited to see him. it was great to get a taste of back home here in this corner of the world. we checked out the chaos of market day in my site, pulled weeds at "la granja", watched sunset out at the lake, and witnessed some of the processions and flower carpets in Antigua during Semana Santa (Holy Week). more than anything we just hung out in my site, cooked a lot, and played with my puppy.

it is hard being far away from one another, but i think it is worth it....

next time patrick will hopefully be spared some of the side affects of street food although those papas fritas with the pica mas can be pretty hard to resist:-)

spending an afternoon at "la granja"

i don't know.

those crazily fun dentists with the ladies of taltimiche

semana santa in my home town

rough week...

i have one sick puppy. no, really she is actually very sick. the last couple of weeks have been hard. not the kind of hard where i have been able to find some sort of ideal peace corps "the moral of the story/lesson learned is"...

i'm sick. one week with fever, not wanting to leave bed, hacking up some lovely liquids kinda sick. it isn't the type of situation where i was feeling like hopping on a camioneta and taking the bumpy three and a half hour bus ride to see a doctor. i figured i would just sweat it out.

but....

my dog, amalia, was sick, too. she's still a little babe and she was shitting blood and vomiting, a possibly deadly combo for a puppy. i would have brought her to the vet, but it was semana santa meaning that the whole country, including vets offices, were shut down. by the time i got her to the doctor both her and myself were in rough shape. the supposedly experienced doctor gave her a couple of shots and we were on our way.

as we left she was having difficuly walking with her right leg, but i figured she was still pretty sore from the injections. it's been two weeks since we went to the vet and she still cannot walk. i feel like a bad mother or something. it's just sad to see her hobbling around, but we have been doing some serious physical therapy to try and better her leg.

so here is the frustration.... i could not bring her to the vet for a week when she was sick, because the whole country shuts down for a holiday. also, what i thought was a good vet ended up doing some serious damage (possible permenant) to my dog.

times like this is when i ask myself, what the hell am i doing here anyways? i feel very frustrated about the entire situation.

pero, asi es la vida, ¿no?

female leader del puesto de salud
mariella, my mam teacher and amiga
women on foot loom in our organzation's weaving center

my patio more than slightly disorganized
amalia, my "chit" (puppy in mam) and me
hatching pollitos
papa taller
view from my road

gender bender...

right now i am sitting in a computer lab in antigua next to posada ruiz, the hostal i'm staying at for a whopping 25 Q a night (about $3.25). i came here to have a reunion of GAD, Peace Corps´Gender and Development committee. i, along with another woman, will be editting the "gender bender", the quarterly publication published by the organization.

this issue is supposed to be on dating in guatemala. hmmm.

i can see why for many peace corps volunteers, especially women, it would be difficult to overcome the cultural barriers between sexes here. Guatemala is a much more traditional culture and many female volunteers may have qualms about fulfilling some of the more customary aspects of women
's familial roles. still, there are many volunteers that have successful relationships with HCN (host country nationals).


side note.

last week i practically tripped over a former volunteers exboyfriend. he was passed out in the middle of the street at 3:00 on a tuesday afternoon. ive heard a few women say how he is one of the better men in our community. i have yet to see any of his more redeeming qualities.

the town in live in has a serious drinking problem (52% of my towns population, including children, are affected by alcoholism). the majority of those who suffer from alcoholism are men. according to my boss there are more cantinas (bars) than panaderias (bakeries). what do you do as a full grown adult unable to provide for your family? how does one over come the monotomny of living in this remote place? it is a hard reality. with this serious drinking problem comes other issues such as domestic violence. it is the poorest community in guatemala and many of its challenges, including alcoholism, are symptoms of this wide spread poverty. if you walk by alcoholics anonynous on a wednesday evening it's just as lively and raucous as an evangelical church. whether this community´s poverty is a result of or a cause of of social issues is a matter of debate. honestly, i am not really sure if it matters either way.

despite challenges faced by people here i have met a lot of amazing men, most of whom work with my organization. one of the men on our board of directors has made it his life´s work to serve his community and neighbors. he has received little formal education, but his expertise in animal care is amazing. another male promoter wakes up before sunrise to ride his bike to neighboring communities often ignored by NGO's because they are inaccessible by car. he works tirelessly and exudes compassion.

one of the goals of the organization i am working with is actually to make it more of a familial based network, and less concentrated on solely women. i have mixed feelings about this shift in focus, because i see women´s involvement as one of our greatest strengths although i do see the necessity to make it more inclusive.

men dominate the public sector. the local government is a sea of men's faces, and women are constantly denied access to these more influential public domains. our organization gives women the opportunity to be leaders and promoters. i have several friends who work in local municipalitys´offices and constantly deal with gender issues. it is something that wares on them day in and out and they along with Guatemalans in the public arena sharing the same sentement fight tirelessly to try and even the field.

i am not sure how my experience would differ if i was a male volunteer serving here. it is hard to say. maybe women in the community's i work with are more open and comfortable with me and this is certainly a great advantage.

i work in development.

yesterday my friend Juanita asked if i would go to a community to take some pictures of "abaniles" (stone masons), and a specific type of chicken our organization is working with.

sure, no problem.

i have visited jicaro a couple of times in the past so i had a general idea how to get there. somewhere along the say all the paths began to look the same and it became apparent that i was lost. i asked a woman along the route for directions.

you just go "mas alla" - more over there.

not exactly the response i was hoping for.

somehow what started as a path ended up being a cornfield on top of a small-mountain/large-hill. as i tried to edge my way out a pack of dogs came up with teeth gleaming. i had apparently crossed into their territory. i grabbed the closest rock in the process throwing my mayan language notebook in the air creating a rain of papers.

at some point during my panicked ungraceful retreat the owner of the dogs came out of her adobe house and they quickly subsided. wooooh. i gathered my papers feeling more than a little grateful, my heart still racing.

i got directions and was on my way.

i arrived at reina's house camera in hand. it turns out that one of the group member´s husbands died from drinking. the women were out gathering flowers. in addition no abanil´s were out working because it was "el dia del cariño" (i.e. valentine´s day). also, all the women had sold the chicken´s our organization had distributed in favor of the local "criollo" breed.

hmmm.

i have luckily learned a good deal of patience through traveling and living in latin america. the truth is as much as it would be great if things came together easily and people showed up on time here, i'm adjusting to the pace of life. if people are an hour late showing up, do i really have any pressing appointments later on in the day?

probably not.

these sort of inbetween times is when i get to get to know people and that is a big part of being here. i dont have these very clear goals in my mind as maybe i had in the past. more a sense of and a hope of an upward moving trajectory. as long as i am moving in the right direction, and i am making progress, however small, i make peace with it.

after my chaotic trip there i tried to take advantage of the time snapping photos of the comunity and a couple of chickens, and "chompipes" (turkeys).

so where is the progress in a seemingly wasted trip like this? i´ve got to find something to salvage from a "lost" morning.... next week i'm going to stop by the women's weekly meeting to introduce myself and hopefully i will be able to work with them.


...i work in development.

...mi horario

a daily routine is becoming a distant memory with each passing day here. there is no daily schedule as it existed in the united states. for instance right now i am getting ready for an incoming group of canadian dentists, trying to learn as much as i can about "papas" (potatoes) before helping with a "taller" (workshop) next week, and getting ready for a spay and neutering clinic for dogs and cats (a fellow volunteer suggested we may want to do the same for a few men in the community...).

also, i´m excited to begin corresponding with my friend, "Mrs. Sosnowski"´s, spanish class back in little rhody. i remember not enjoying spanish in high school. it seemed all about memorizing vocab and learning grammar. blah. it wasn´t until i got to travel that the material came to life.

language is a medium for reaching a culture. somethings simply do not translate from spanish to english (or english to spanish) and herein lies the beauty. using language here is how i learn what people value, think, feel, and do here. it is a way of gaining "confianza". i hope that having correspondence with someone actually living in a country where spanish is spoken (along with 21 mayan languages and garifuna) will help to bring the material to life to students.

so it is not so blah.

i have a new puppy and her name is amalia! apparently this is also the name of a woman on our board of directors who is not too happy to have a "chucha" (street dog) named after her. this may be the closest my parents get to grandchildren for a while...

the first three months...

are the hardest. that is what we were told repeatedly during training. still getting a hold on things in site, but it is beginning to feel like home. i´ve had the chance to give a couple of "charlas" with groups here, mainly consisting of classes on nutrition. it isnt planting season here til April-May so a lot of people havent planted family gardens yet.

what i have learned is that i should not attempt to cook here. the first reunion i had with a group i attempted to make banana bread while the women taught me how to make a diet staple here, tamales. while working on the tamales, one woman tapped me lightly on the shoulder and whispered that my bread was on fire. not the best manner of inroduction.

yesterday i had a reunion with a different group that had asked me to teach how to make an egg torte (spanish tortilla-omlett). their set up was cooking over an open flame. the smoke was intense and yet again i burnt the meal. i definetely understand why we are doing the stove project here. many women cook over open flames inside. they, along with their children receive the affects of daily smoke inhilation and i cant imagine what their lungs look like. hence the prevelancy of respiratory disease in rural areas of guatemala.

afterwards we made some better looking egg omlettes, and i gave a little talk on nutrition. the cooking fiascos have been more than a little embarassing, but i have learned a valuable lesson: i should stay away from food unless it is growing in the ground.

na'b'l...

i have spent a lot of time just trying to get acclimated. learning mam (the local language) is not a luxury, but a necessity for daily communication with women in rural areas. more than anything it is a very isolating feeling to be surrounded by people and not have a clue what they are saying. i will definetely return to the states with a deeper sensitivity for refugee and immigrant populations (whether legal or not) and their struggles with cultural and lingual acquisition. last week i started mayan language classes with Mariella, a woman from our organization. i cant believe she is only 22 years old. she is widowed (her husband walked off a cliff while intoxicated), the mother of two children, and has the maturity of someone double her age.

mam is not easy.

tquqbil q'aq' .... that's how you say stove.

for the most part, i have been enjoying things. life is decidedly "tranquilo" and i'm enjoying the slower pace. the volunteers had an ugly christmas sweater party last week, i got to have oreos and fresh milk yesterday (my first glass since august!), i hike to work, and i'm going to a birthday party this weekend. also i may be getting a puppy very soon. hopefully he-she gets along well with my cat.

new years sunset: lago atitlan
windblown
everything is going well here... just havent had a lot of time to write. had fun spending christmas with my host family and new years on the lake. hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season!